


whichever way i go, i come back to the place you are

by majesdane



Category: Runaways (Comics)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-31
Updated: 2008-12-31
Packaged: 2017-12-06 09:14:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/734017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majesdane/pseuds/majesdane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>It's easier to not just get her hopes up and her heart broken.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	whichever way i go, i come back to the place you are

 

i no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe i love her.  
\-- 'poem twenty,' pablo neruda

 

 

Nico's hair is the color of fresh, wet ink. It is stark against the pale tone of her skin; Karolina sucks in her breath at the sight of her. Her eyes are a striking color of brown, something Karolina has, for some reason, never noticed until now. And she is only just turned sixteen, young and awkward. When she goes running up to Nico, grinning ridiculously, all of her thoughts come tumbling out of her mouth before she can stop herself. But Nico doesn't notice at all, because Alex is beside her.

There is a sudden rush in her, basis indeterminable, whenever Nico looks her way. When Nico takes Karolina's hand in her own, Karolina can fears that her ribs will be cracked from the fierce beating of her heart. It is better than flying, to feel like this, and it is also crazy. But the feeling swells up within her and she doesn't know how to make it go away. It is pointless, really, to even be thinking of such things, like the softness of Nico's palm in hers or the way those jet black bangs fall into her eyes. She knows Nico doesn't care for her at all, doesn't feel a single spark when their eyes meet. She probably never will; Karolina loves tragedy. She doesn't say a word, takes careful measures to keep her love tucked away neatly inside of her. It's better this way, anyway. It's easier to not just get her hopes up and her heart broken.

And because she is a coward and weak, she tries to make it all go away. With her lips pressed against Topher's, all Karolina can think of is Nico's cliché black lipstick, of a smaller, softer hand reaching up to cup her cheek and keep her steady. Karolina can feel a truth settling heavily into the pit of her stomach and she's not quite sure if it makes her want to cry or just be relieved. This is all much too real for her, all too wrong. She could deal with it if she knew it wasn't permanent, if this _thing_ didn't completely change the person she always thought she was. But it's real and the truth and more than she is ready to admit to herself.

Nico kisses Alex in front of them all, and it hurts. Nico always makes Karolina hurt in the way that makes her love Nico more. Three months later, sitting in the back of the Leapfrog, Nico's hand in hers, Karolina can't help but think that the possibilities for them are endless. It has been hard, to live like this, always having to keep that side of her in check. There are so many sides to her; she can't bear it all. It seems like so long ago, when she was sure of herself, when she knew who she was. It doesn't help when Xavin arrives; it only serves to make things more complicated. And it's unexpected, but she falls in love with Xavin. Xavin is easy, Xavin is the path of least resistance.

But she doesn't want to make Xavin into that though, a replacement. Xavin is more than all that. Xavin is there where Nico is not and loves her in the way that Nico never will. But sometimes, when she kisses Xavin, she thinks of that almost kiss in the gardens on that starry night when her world fell apart once more -- she thinks that there is nothing stable in her life, not at all -- and Nico's pretty brown eyes and too dark hair. She loves them both equally, in different ways, though in ways she doesn't really understand entirely. It is the morning of all their mornings together, when Karolina wakes to find Xavin watching her, when Xavin kisses her softly on the mouth, and she thinks she could be happy -- she _is_ happy, maybe -- if things just stayed just as they are, a perpetual in-between.

She would like for them to just be still, to be silent, with her arms wrapped around Nico's shoulders, on the rooftop in autumn of New York City. There is a sense that they could last forever this way. It makes her think of all the chances that they have had and lost and there is a kind of longing in her that she has not felt in some time. She loves Xavin, but she wants to kiss Nico. Nico is home, Nico is what she comes back to when all is said and done. They are always coming back to each other. It's just that they always seem to miss each other along the way.

Karolina wants to be where Nico is. She just doesn't know how to get there.


End file.
